Agree to disagree…
My parents have been married for nearly 40 years and, as a child, I can only recall them arguing in front of me about a handful of times. Not only can I remember those arguments, but I remember them well. Because they were such a rare occurrence that every time they did happen, I thought it meant they were getting a divorce.
There are many parenting topics that bring about a host of opinions, and the issue of whether or not it is “okay” to argue, or even disagree, in front of your kids is a hot one.
For the sake of clarity… at least as far as my opinion on the topic goes… arguments and disagreements are not the same. Disagreements are typically nothing more than a difference of opinion. My husband and I disagree on anything from directions to whether or not married couples should have their own snacks (no really…lol). Arguments on the other hand are more tense. They usually stem from a negative place, lack any real active listening, and there is often someone who is looking to “win.”
I’m not going to pretend to know what long term effects either might have on a child, but I venture to say arguing could be a bit more harmful. I know of more than one person who said they never saw their parents argue, and were therefore quite traumatized by a divorce that seemingly came out of nowhere. I also know people whose parents argued constantly… and would even make them choose sides. Some of those parents are together still, some of them are not.
At the end of the day, anything you do in front of your child will play a role in shaping who they become and how they navigate life experiences. When my husband and I talked about the type of parents we wanted to be, one of the overarching themes was transparent. While we obviously exercise our judgement when it comes to just how much we share, the point is that we feel it’s important to be open and honest with our kids.
We argue.
We disagree.
We make mistakes.
We are parents… but we are also human.
These days when we find ourselves disagreeing with an audience, we continue the conversation but make sure we do so respectfully so those disagreements don’t turn into arguments. We pay attention to our tone, and our body language as much as the words that are coming out of our mouths.
Thanks to the pandemic, we - unfortunately - can’t always hold more heated discussions until an “appropriate” time (i.e. when there are no kids around), so there have been a couple occasions when they have happened in earshot of our oldest. We aren’t perfect… (and ummmm these are pretty high stress times if I’m being honest). But instead of beating ourselves up about our lack of “restraint,” we recognize that these, like many things, can be teachable moments.
We have recently tried to implement the practice of making up in front of our oldest (since the twins have no clue what is going on). And also sharing what triggered the disagreement, what each of us could have done differently, and how we resolved our issue. We do all of this in terms he will understand, and also within a context he will understand for his age.
While I do think some arguments could be extremely harmful for a child to witness (e.g. any that consist of verbal or physical abuse), those aren’t the type of arguments my husband and I have. And personally, as far as our arguments go, we feel it would be more harmful if our son heard us arguing, but we left the arguments “unresolved” (from his perspective) and didn’t allow him the benefit of understanding how we reached a resolution. And what tools played a part in helping us get to that resolution (hence me always thinking my parents’ arguments meant divorce… smh).
As parents we don’t have all the answers, we don’t always know the right thing to do, or say… and for my husband and I it felt unrealistic that we would try to hide a part of what makes our marriage real, what makes us real. and also helps us teach conflict resolution, which we feel is an important life skill.
So, let me know below what your thoughts are on disagreeing or arguing in front of your kids? I’m always open to new perspectives!!