b.f.f.s…
I can’t even begin to recall the number of times people have told me all about how my kids - especially the twins - will be the best of friends as they grow up. I have heard it from just about any and everyone - people with twins of their own, people with no children at all, people with children close in age… etc. etc.
When I was pregnant with the twins I imagined a tight-bond would happen with them automatically because ummmm they were literally sharing a womb… and I pictured my oldest doing all the big brother things with them… innately. This image of “the three best friends that anyone could have” warmed my heart… But when I started thinking about some of the sibling relationships I have seen firsthand, and even the relationship I have with my younger brother, I realized healthy, positive relationships weren’t based on how close kids were in age or the fact that they may have shared a roof together for years - but are actually a little more involved than that.
Now let’s be clear… I haven’t lost any sleep worrying about this… yet lol… because my kids legit spent every.single.day in 2020 “bonding”… but I have definitely thought of a few things that might help that bond stay in tact as long as possible.
Some of what my husband and I intend to do is drawn from our personal experiences growing up with siblings (me with one sibling 11 years younger than me, and him with two siblings relatively close in age). I’m far from an expert but I have gathered a few tips from the internets lol and heard a few common themes among other parents of multiple children that I thought would be helpful to share.
Don’t have favorites - as obvious as this might sound… it’s a real thing. Having a favorite, or favorites, (explicit or not) can most definitely create “sibling rivalry”… jealousy, resentment, etc. among siblings. Having a favorite child might present itself in many ways … i.e. treating children unfairly, comparing children to one another, etc. and as innocent as it may seem it can most definitely have long term, negative consequences as far as relationship building goes between siblings.
Create an environment conducive to fostering healthy friendships - Encourage your kids to get to know one another. Eat dinner together and have meaningful conversations. Travel together. Share in - and support - each others activities, hobbies, and interests. A genuine friendship is most definitely the basis for a close, long-lasting sibling bond.
Help your children navigate their emotions - everyone knows that young kids can be selfish, manipulative and quite strategic at times…lol. They want what they want when and how they want it. They will poke at each other to get a reaction. This is just par for the developmental course. That said… helping them understand how to navigate their emotions is key in making sure their response and reaction in these moments aren’t detrimental to their relationship with their sibling(s).
Communication is key - along the same lines of understanding how to effectively navigate emotions and respond accordingly - is how to communicate effectively. Communication is a critical component in all healthy relationships and siblings are no different. Help them understand how to communicate their thoughts, feelings, needs, expectations, etc. and reevaluate as things change.
Share with them the type of relationship you envision them having with one another - Be explicit with your children in regards to the type of relationship you envision them having, and why. If you read my post about my decision to try for our “second” child, you might recall that the passing of my grandmother was pretty much the deciding factor. I observed the support system that my aunts and uncles had in one another, and how each of them were able to step in where and when needed throughout. It was something I admired and I plan to share that with my children.
Although I can’t force my children to be besties… I do feel it’s important for them to have a positive, healthy relationship. To appreciate one another and recognize how amazing it is to have each other in their lives. I’m probably a little more hyper-sensitive to this because - as a military brat - I was so desperate for a built in friend when we moved state to state. Despite eventually getting my wish, we are 11 years apart, and only spent 6ish years living under the same roof before I was off to college. At no point did I have him in school with me, nor was he really the built-in-buddy I wanted, when I wanted it lol. But we have shared in so many amazing milestones and continue to get closer as we go through different phases and enter new chapters of life. My parents never forced a relationship on us, and although we are pretty different, I value the person he is, and the relationship we have and only hope my children do the same - and that my husband and I are able to do our best to make that happen for them organically.
Let me know below what you have done, or plan to do, to encourage a friendship amongst your kids.