Heavy conversations…
People often joke that your firstborn is your practice child. And in some ways, that is true. You learn as you go, and you might choose to do some things differently with the next child.
When it comes to discussions about race, I’m hoping we can get it right the first time around. My husband and I have always been looking for the “appropriate” time to have race conversations with our oldest. We have always tried to protect his innocence while also exposing him to what is appropriate for him given his age, and social/emotional maturity. My husband wasn’t initially tuned into the “protecting innocence” thing… that was more me. But we talked about it and both see the value in, sometimes, just letting a kid be a kid. That is true for many of the more challenging topics that we talk to our son about, but has been especially true - as of late - when it comes to matters of race.
2020 was incredibly heavy for everyone, but especially for black and brown Americans who continued to be marginalized… for no other reason than the color of their skin. As a black woman… married to a black man… raising black sons and a black daughter… I can’t even begin to express in words how impossible it felt at times to keep pressing on “like normal” despite the latest headline or hashtag memorializing yet another person that lost their lives at the hands of someone who felt it was their God-given right to take it… without repercussion.
Some days I didn’t even realize just how much weight I was carrying until someone asked how I was doing… and my response (if not silent tears) was usually “exhausted”… mentally and emotionally exhausted. Most of this was because I am an empath and everything was just so much. Especially as a mom.
I realized I was naive to think I would have the luxury of deciding an “appropriate” time to talk to my son about race, and racism when it was quite literally in our face so much last year. Even still… if I’m being honest, I think we were - and continue to - tread pretty lightly on the topic because five-year olds are so literal (as an example, as far as he is concerned, black is black, he is brown). Our son’s frame of reference is limited, and I know how important it is for us to control the conversation so he doesn’t walk away from it making generalizations and subsequently doing the exact thing we are trying to teach him not to do…
While we have had conversations with him about race, we focus more on celebrating who our son is, a black boy. And we want to continue celebrating it so much so that anytime we tell him about any of the terrible, horrible things that happened to people that looked like him, simply because they looked like him, he will wonder what the hell was wrong with those people? And why would ANYONE not think that part of what makes him so amazing is the fact that he is black. I don’t want him to always feel like anything he has achieved in life, any of his successes, have come to him DESPITE being black, even though it could very well be true…
We often talk to him about all the amazing people that helped create the opportunities we have now, the good and amazing, and wonderful things that they did to help create the opportunities we have today. And while we want to protect his innocence, we know that equipping him with awareness means more than focusing on the good. We know - for sure - that the deeper, more heavy conversations about race need to happen (and certainly before he gets into a real school setting), but we are figuring out a balance.
Books have helped tremendously with this, so we have been adding to the collection (which I will be sharing soon!), and are so thankful that there are so many amazingly thoughtful ones to choose from. We really do want to get this right… and in the environment we find ourselves in, it can be such a struggle knowing when and how to address these deep conversations when so many of them (race, racism, politics, death) intersect in ways they haven’t in such a long time.
That said, let me know below some of the ways you have introduced race conversations to your child, and at what age?