something like a non-negotiable…
Confession - there have been times in my parenting journey where I felt like I was doing a terrible job... Despite what people told me, it was mainly because I didn't have as much patience as I felt I should, and I didn’t thoroughly enjoy every single solitary moment of parenting. Including some of the parts “society” makes us feel we should. Even though I never felt alone in my thoughts or experience per se, I still felt like I should be parenting… better.
After a few failed attempts to just “change my mindset”… or breathe, or count, or every other thing I came across I still wasn’t seeing much improvement in my ability to consistently be present and be fully appreciative of my three little blessings - at least not to the point where I had infinite patience, was in a great mood 99.9% of the time, and was subsequently able to “mom” the way I envisioned (this was unrealistic, but more on that later). What further complicated things was the fact that my husband never seemed to be as affected by the parts of parenting that affected me. He never really seemed as drained, as emotional, or as… bothered.
I realized recently that the only thing that helped me parent better, was time away from my kids. As counterintuitive as that may sound. In 2020, it was a rare occasion, but in the last couple years as life has gradually become more “normal,” I’m fortunate to have a lot more time alone when I need to. And I realize - for me - that time is not a luxury, but a necessity (I talk a little bit about this here).
While this is 1000% something I consider “self-care”… it was important for me to dig a little more into why it was so necessary for me so I could really value it and articulate that need to others. I have always been curious why some people seem to need down time more than others. Why some people seem to thrive in parenthood, while I felt like I spent a lot of days just surviving. And after some digging I realized my need for alone time primarily stems from two things:
I spent the large majority of my childhood as an only child. My brother and I are 12 years apart, and most of the time my home was a peaceful retreat. When I was old enough to entertain myself I did. When family and friends came, it was always temporary. Once I became a parent to three I realized my home is rarely quiet and I now know this is something I need at least occasionally.
I’m (mostly) an introvert and being in a highly stimulating environment (think - playrooms with loud toys, my house on any given day, kids’ birthday parties, etc.) can be draining - especially when it is for an extended period of time like school breaks or all of 2020. Lol.
Because I’m now aware that this is just how I’m wired, I’m not riddled with guilt because I need alone time (at least not as much). And once I was able to articulate my feelings and my needs to my husband, and to my oldest son in a way that he could understand, it made a world of difference.
Being a good parent is relative. While I fully believe the needs of my children are important, that doesn’t mean mine are irrelevant simply because I’m the parent.. And just because your needs may not “match” someone else’s or align with what you assumed parenthood should entail, doesn’t mean you aren’t parenting well. Even if/when society or others perpetuate a different narrative… it’s okay to protect your energy and set healthy boundaries even with your children so you can be the best parent you can be.
Parenthood is challenging, but you can absolutely find ways to thrive when you start tapping in to what you need, and making those things something like a non-negotiable.
If this post resonates with you, let me know below! Would love to hear from other introvert parents or parents that find themselves overstimulated at times! :)